Reflections as an Armenian Woman on International Women’s Day
Commentary — By Liana Aghajanian on March 8, 2010 1:15 am
translation by Shushan Avgayan/AIWA/illustration by ianyanmag
I often think about what my life would have been like if my parents had decided to weather the Iranian Revolution and stay put in Tehran. At least on a superficial level I would look different, forced to wear a chador if and when I decided to step out of the house, but would my life be any different? Would I still have chosen the same career path? Would my priorities change? As a woman, there is little doubt that I would be subject to some kind of discrimination, certainly if I was involved in a movement or in media. Having been raised in the United States, I will never know what my future in Iran would have been like and because I have never lived in Armenia, I cannot speak from first hand experience about the trials and tribulations Armenian women face in their country.
As an Armenian-American however, a title I have finally begun making peace with, I can speak about the experiences, struggles, disappointments and long road ahead to progress women who struggle to blend two identities face.
This two-fold identity is as strong and binding as a long, interconnected strand of DNA, and the pressures of both are equally distributed throughout an Armenian-American women’s body.
Two polarizing tides are always battling with each other, one always overriding the other, but never managing to leave enough room for equal footing.
Although I feel fortunate enough to have had parents who never once told me what I could or couldn’t do on the basis of my gender, on International Women’s Day, here is my take on a few issues Armenian-American women face.
Marriage
At the heart of Armenian culture lies the nuclear family. Its tentacles reach outward in every direction, having a hold in every aspect of your life and the decisions you make for it. While this might keep you grounded and focused, the traditional expectations piled on you in a Western, progressive setting is many times too much to handle.
Conquering the world of marriage and dating is perhaps the best example. You’ll be sitting quietly, at a family gathering, sipping some tea and eating baklava, and your grandma, aunt, cousin, [insert relative here] will wander over and sure enough, ask you the age old question you don’t want to hear.
“So…when are you getting married?”
You look down, trying to rack your brain for an intelligent answer to a stupid question and you draw a blank, and then, before you can answer, the microphone is snatched.
“You know, you don’t know have much time. Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?”
Armenian relatives and family members have this amazing charm of making a young 20-something girl feel like a 60-year-old woman with five cats. It’s precious. The fact is that Armenians, just like other close knit cultures, have an obsession with marriage. And babies. If you’ve reached the old age of 25, and still, no outrageously expensive diamond has appeared on your finger, then that’s it. You better give up hope right now and build yourself a bunker under the ground, because you’re doomed. If you can’t get married, what’s the purpose of your life? And worse, if you don’t pop out some kids no later than a few years of being married, what will you ever have to look forward to? Clearly, you are tarnishing the good name and fortune of your family, right?
I have heard stories like this and I have experienced some of it by extended relatives myself, albeit not as extreme as the scenario above, but as an Armenian-American woman, there are a few choice words I have for this particular mentality, mainly, that there is no time line on love, marriage and family. There is no, “you must” and no “you have to.” You are not less of a person, less of an Armenian, and certainly not less of a woman if you decide to not get married, or not have kids, or have kids and get married in your 30s, 40s or 50s. Your life can play out however you want it to. There is no cookie cutter formula you must follow.
To Armenian-American women whose goal in life it is to find a money making Armenian man, I want to say, you are worth so much more than that. You define yourself and you (not your mother or grandmother) are in charge of your own life and you are entitled to march to the beat of your own drum.
Education & Career
It is interesting how Armenian parents push their daughters to get married and start their lives, yet discourage them from going away to college and carving out career paths that don’t involve being a doctor, dentist or lawyer. Even in 2010, I hear stories from college age women who have settled on local community colleges or universities, even with acceptance in to some of the best universities the U.S. has to offer, because their parents denied them the opportunity to be away from home. Many of those who stay near their families are encouraged to choose majors not on the basis of passion or creativity, but of money. The best gift parents can give their children, they feel, is a safety net lined by dollar bills. This attachment causes a plethora of problems for talented women who now feel that anything that involves risk shouldn’t be an option and the possibility of exploring more than just the 25 mile circle their in is paved with fear.
It’s not un-Armenian to move out before you’re married or to go hundreds or thousands of miles away from your family in order to pursue the passions you hold dear to your heart. It is however, blatant discrimination and bad parenting to never allow your child to flourish the way they want to, especially when you’ve come to a country that gives women the opportunities of lifetimes from countries in which opportunities are not readily available for women.
translation by Diana Der-Hovanessian/AIWA/illustration by ianyanmag
Sex
Guess what? Armenian women have sex. Lots of it, most of them before marriage. You know what else? It doesn’t make them dirty, used, less valuable or shameful. It also, has nothing to do with faith or God and most of the time, it has absolutely no connection to yielding offspring. Women enjoy sex. Armenian women enjoy sex. They find pleasure in it and no one has the right to tell a woman that it’s “amot” to explore their sexuality.
A woman has a relationship with her body, a body that she owns, a body that is under no law, no rules from anyone else. A sexually active, responsible Armenian woman is not less of a woman, in fact, I would argue to say that she is more of a woman. Armenian women, have sex, but arm yourself with the most important of tools: not religion, but knowledge. Educate yourself on STDs, about HIV/AIDS, about contraceptives, about your bodies and do not give a second thought to any man who has the audacity to tell you or make you believe that you are less of an Armenian, or less of an Armenian woman because you did the same thing he’s probably been doing for years.
My ending thoughts are this: Armenian women are strong, confident human beings who should be given equal opportunities and equal rights in all aspects of life and should be respected by not only men and women alike, but they should respect themselves, their wants, desires, needs and their bodies. Women, do not feel obligated to carry cultural crosses. Being a strong, independent woman doesn’t replace your Armenian culture, it enhances it.
Tags: armenian feminism, equality, feminism, gender equality, human rights, sex, women, women's rights
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28 Comments
Another mindless liberal post.. Liana, can’t you write something decent for once? Did you have to include sex? And yes, sex before marriage makes you less Armenian because at the core of Armenianness is Christianity, and sex before marriage is forbidden in every Christian upbringing, not only Armenian.
Why is it that we kept our values intact for 3 millenia but we have to deal with this type of drivel for raving feminists?
Dear kevin,
when speaking of Christianity do not pick and chose the aspects of the religion which you feel are most beneficial to you. For instance, if you drink, smoke, gamble, or engage in premarital sex of any kind yourself i would have no choice but to find your rebuttal void. It is extremely hypocritical to criticize women , Armenian, or not , especially Armenian if you as an Armenian man have had premarital sex.
Dear Liana,
I’m Lebanese-Armenian, I’m studying medicine here and I must congratulate you on this article. It’s true for Armenians everywhere, sadly.
I ran into your article as i was searching for articles about international women’s day and it’s by far the best I’ve read so far, maybe because it’s relevant to me.
It’s a real shame how Armenian girls are brought up to find the right “Armenian” husband, get married and have children.
I wish you the best of luck.
Karine.
As an Armenian-American woman born and raised in the US, I think the responsibilities put upon us, as woman, are so much greater than those of my non-Armenian girlfriends. I totally agree with you, though – think it’s because of what our people went through. We have that pressure put upon us to settle down (with a nice Armenian boy) and have a family. I think this is a direct response to keeping our people going post genocide.
We also have the responsilibility, as moms, to hold the family together, to uphold the traditions, to guide our children to God through our faith – and to keep that faith in a faithless society. Not easy. When other kids are heading off to scouts, sports, or sleeping in, we are getting the kids in the car, driving to church, and giving our thanks. (I know I am not the norm here for most of my Armenian sisters). But it’s this faith that kept us alive, it’s this same faith that got my beautiful grandmothers through their march in the desert.
As an American-born Aremenian woman, who married an odar, I’m considered “not Armenian-enough” because I was born in this great country. My daughter, who is half Armenian has her Armenian-ness discounted by Armenians all the time. Yet she knows more about our history, language, faith and culture than her accusers. Why is that?
I appreciated your article. Like all the rest, it’s food for thought. Let’s embrace the women in our lives that made us who we are today. Strong, powerful, intelligent, take-charge women.
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Can you please explain to me, logically, why sex before marriage is wrong or un-Armenian without falling back on tautologies or medieval references to divine revelation?
It is people like Kevin who, through their adherence to the cult-of-virginity help maintain a fundamentally unfair and unjust system – after all, this whole ‘no sex before marriage’ thing is only applied selectively. If you have sex before marriage as a woman, in Armenian culture, you’re a whore. If you have sex before marriage as a man, you’ve proved your manhood. How does that chime with equality between men and women?
Hanging out to public view the bloodied bedsheets after the first wedding night is also seen by some as an honourable Armenian tradition. Perhaps we should introduce that to the streets of Glendale as well?
Yes kevork we do not live in village communities anymore where preserving food for the winter and getting married when your 16 is common practice anymore. Either it is wrong for everyone or these sexiest Armenian men who pick and chose what repressive restrictions they place upon their female counterparts should adhere to the same guidelines. May i prance around and demand a Virgin Armenian Husband? I think i will if that is what should be demanded of me!
These are my views on the matter:
http://kovkaz.blogspot.com/2010/03/on-8-march-throw-away-that-red-apple.html
Do you really think you can outwit Doctor Satan?
Great article, you’re doing what journalists are supposed to do, which is making people think and pushing the envelope. We certainly need more of that in our insular little community.
I found it interesting that religion and Christianity were the focus of some of the commenters, especially since the article is NOT about religion or Christianity. I don’t subscribe to the idea that Christianity is an essential part of “Armenian-ness,” but I know I’m most likely in the minority. At least it’s something to examine for those that have automatically embraced this assumption their whole lives.
As I said, great article, but I wanted to point out that some of these issues are also faced by males (when are you getting married/having kids and going far away for college), but I do agree that they are more prevalent for females.
I agree with Aris that Christianity is not at the core of being Armenian.
Armenian is a nationality whereas Christianity is a religion. I am Armenian, I am not a believer, i know other Armenians who are not believers, I know Armenians who have adopted Islam.
I think that the explanation is very simple, usually diasporas of any nationality attach to religion stronger because somehow they feel safer and religion links them to their origins.
And also, pre-marrital sex has absolutely nothing to do with religion or nationality. Women are equal to men in every way. If a man allows himself to have pre-marrital sex then shame on him for not accepting a woman who had pre-marrital sex. I’m not encouraging anyone to do anything, I only think that a woman is free with her body and people should not have double standards.
One of my favorite poems by Shushan Avagyan which pretty much sums up Armenian sexuality:
Useless
In the complex world of the Armenian language
the great linguists
couldn’t even spare
a single word for the clitoris
(my mother made up a nickname for mine)
the word never existed,
was never pronounced –
it still is a place
where many consider a void,
an endless enigma,
the hidden lump of Semiramis,
mysterious in its vanity –
something
which does not belong anywhere,
least of all to the women of Nairi.
All major religions and not just Christianity place a lot of emphasis on virginity prior to marriage and in particular female virginity. This is evolving as women rightly demand equality and freedom from hypocrisy.
Armenians may be a “nationality” (more correctly an ethnicity) and not a religion but Christianity has been a defining element of Armenian identity for 1700 years and the vessel through which that identity has survived. Otherwise our forefathers could simply have converted to Islam to survive oppression and the Genocide. Whether or not you are a believer, if you consider yourself Armenian then Christianity has shaped who you are (even Richard Dawkins calls himself a “cultural Christian”). This is not a Diaspora trait. The Diaspora’s identity has become centered around Genocide recognition. Armenian identity in Hayastan is very much centered on Christianity.
In general agreement with this posting. Good job Liana. Although, I have to note one thing: saying ‘most’ Armenian women have sex before marriage is baseless. Perhaps in the Diaspora, but in Armenia, I don’t think ‘most’ is the proper word. ‘Most’ people forget that there is an Armenia beyond Yerevan that is as traditional as Armenians were in the 14th century. (And I would still say ‘most’ don’t have sex in Yerevan either).
And while there is much to say about sex and Armenians — I think those who are proponents of a very quote-on-quote ‘liberal’ or Western/American lifestyle should really reconsider. We are where America was before the 1950s and 60s on this issue. We have many problems related to women, but we also have a ‘clean slate,’ so to speak. The Western approach has MANY MANY problems — and it has often made problems it wanted to fix worse. And on a political/policy level, we need to make sure we solve the safety issues related to HIV/STDs before we begin advocating such a lifestyle. As eastern Europe has shown, the freedom to have sex and a more open society has not meant safer sex, far from it.
I think Armenian women deserve their own, unique model for women’s rights.
I also tend to concentrate on something I think needs immediate attention: http://www.armenianweekly.com/2010/03/07/dumanian-an-unpaid-debt/
Hope you enjoy it!
i like ur reflections, Liana, about sex particularly. well written!
cheers from azerbaijan.
once again a great article, lot’s of thought… i was going to write a different comment but after reading all the comments, i have to say…it’s very interesting that the issue of sex was the one most people concentrated on..hmmm i think a woman armenian or not should make that choice herself, if she wants to have sex before marriage or not, and of course, perhaps knowing that somewhere down the line a “great armenian guy” might dump her because she is not a virgin may deter her from making that decision… i think the other two issues you mentioned are far more important for armenian women to excel then sex. why push them to get married before they even know who they are or what they want??…oh that’s right we are “armenian girls” ….we are not supposed to “want” anything in life except to pop out kids…forgot
as far as education…i got excepted to berkley after high school and wanted to become a marine biologist…but didn’t go, a young armenian girl out there all by herself??? my parents wouldn’t hear of it…
i have no regrets now… what’s in the past is in the past…
but why should we settle for mediocre lives and careers when we have the talent, the drive and the intellect to achieve so much more…we as the new generation of parents need to change the way we think…and that doesn’t mean for us to change who we are…we are still armenian, but we need to evolve.
thanks again for a great article, and thanks for visiting my blog
Dear Kevin K.,
I know the number of Armenian virgins are diminishing…It must be a cause for concern for you: A good, Armenian man…named KEVIN. Why marry dirty whores? Don’t be alarmed, KEVIN, there are still lots of dumb Armenian virgin girls for you waiting at the Americana in Glendale, CA. Actually, wait, those aren’t the good Christian virgins…well, where are they? Yerevan? HAH. Uhm…maybe Karabakh, dude. Try there.
Also, not all Armenian are Christians, and before you argue that there is no such thing, please check yourself and your logic. Also, how about trying out some other blogs like…http://www.glennbeck.com/splash.php or http://www.nora-dc.org/
Welcome to the 21st century,
Ara
It’s good to see some familiar names on this thread. Hi Aris, Karine! After getting heated up reading one of the responses, I thought about you, Aris. I think it’s time we had some reflections by a real Armenian man. I urge you to write!
Sarine
It is fascinating (and sad at the same time)to read about so many similarities between Armenians and Azeries. W
e share so many issues when it comes to things like sex before marriage, and “are you not married yet” questions…:) I always thought, to be honest, that the reason some azeries are so conservative in this area is due to the fact that it is a Muslim country. But I guess it is more of a cultural thing. My friend from Lebanon was telling me how conservative Christian families in Lebanon were. I had no idea!
Great article.
Looks like the article could be discussed from various points of view right here:
ANNOUNCEMENT
The Ministry of Diaspora of the Republic of Armenia will be holding a
scientific workshop on “The Problems of Preservation of the Features of
Armenian Identity in Mixed Marriages”
(April 25-26, 2010)
The aim of the workshop is to discuss and reveal the difficulties and
problems (such as language, traditions, religion, children’s upbringing,
family relations, participation in the Armenian community life, being
accepted by the Armenian community) typical of the Armenian families of
mixed marriages, to find ways and means for solving those issues through
constructive discussions and analyses, to work out programs meant at
preservation of national identity in such families.
Topics recommended for discussion:
· The church and mixed marriages
· The impact of the cultural and multicultural split on the
Armenian identity
· The peculiarities of preserving, passing on and presenting
national traditions and practices in the families of mixed marriages
· The family in multicultural environment
· The issue of upbringing of children in bicultural families
· The process of national identity formation in the Diaspora
· The problem of national identity transformation in the Diaspora
· The manifestation of the Armenian national identity and the
problem of continuity
· The language issue in mixed marriages
· The role of the society-education-family relationship in the
preservation and manifestation of the national identity
All the professionals and individuals who are interested in studying the
issues on the Armenian identity and mixed marriages, as well as those who
are family-members in mixed marriages, are invited to participate and
deliver reports in the workshop on “The Problems of Preservation of the
Features of Armenian Identity in Mixed Marriages” to be held on April 25-26,
2010.
Deadline for submission of abstracts: April 1, 2010.
Papers could be both in English and Armenian.
Please include the following information with the abstract: Full name and
title, Academic affiliation and Address, e-mail, and telephone number.
The Ministry of Diaspora of RA will cover some expenses to the
participant’s travel.
Richard I agree that religion shapes people during their up-bringing, and I agree with most of what you wrote.
My comment was a response to a previous one.
Preach it, sister!
I’m the American wife of an Armenian man who is currently struggling with these issues- and succeeding, albeit slowly. I applaud your honesty and your candidness in looking at these sensitive issues, issues which need to be taken out of the dark and examined by Armenian families. It is my hope that my daughters will be able to face such issues with the same courage, and with preparedness lovingly provided by BOTH their parents.
Hello Bloggers!
I am currently writing my thesis on the Armenian- American women’s identity formation in relation to abuse, sexuality, marriage, education and as a racialized body! Please contact me if you live in the Los-Angeles or Santa-Barbara areas and would like to participate in this study. Please include your name, number and other information that may be helpful in assessing your participation in this.
Contact: Varduhy at varduhy@gmail.com
Who said anything about gender equality? I don’t believe in it. Both genders have their different standards, expectations, etc. These values are what weaken a people (it’s happening in America), we don’t need this to spread to Armenia. Especially not when Armenia is already in one of the weakest positions in its history. Women are naturally more nurturing, and therefore better at raising children than men, and that is where their energies should go. And just because women here in America (like this subversive feminist) act this irresponsibly, does not mean our women must as well. I can guarantee that not a single Armenian family came to America so that its females could act like Americans. We do not have this luxury like Americans, they are in no danger of dieing out like us.
If you want to perserve our culture and Ethnic background then you must start with education. The more educated Armenian women are they more then can contribute to society and the better they will be able to educated and raise your children. If you want Armenian success then maybe people should worry less about their benz’s and more about learning Armenian history and getting degrees that allow them to be reputable in American society and using that power and success to helping the Armenian nation back at home. Armenia is corrupt because of the same principles you are trying to defend. What she is saying is so true…you should want armenian women to want you …how will they ever want you if you are holding them down??? repressing them…they might seem to like you but in the long run they will want to leave because they are going to be unhappy
While Liana brings up some good points, it’s a shame, in this day and age, that the only tool we have to cope with this sort of cultural ignorance are aspirational articles that preach to a self-selecting audience but fall largely on deaf ears.
None of this stuff should be relevant anymore! It’s ever comforting to know that Armenians are still like rats in a burlap sack—mired by age-old Eastern superstition, expired cultural constructs, magical thinking, and backhandedly self-aggrandizing familial guilt.
I recently watched a documentary on orphans in Malawi. The Western commentators bemoaned the grinding poverty of the country but praised the people’s sense of community. But in a gross irony, they completely missed the point—these things can’t exist without one another. As the poverty level rises, people devolve into co-dependence, mysticism and, ultimately, self sabotage. It becomes an endless cycle. And this applies not only to material poverty, but to intellectual poverty too. In other words, “close knit,” as it applies to families, cultures and other such social structures, is merely a euphemism for stiflingly provincial.
In order to cast off this tradition of ignorance, one must first strike out on his (in this case, her) own and truly attain material independence. Only then can you begin to truly embrace and empathize with your history and culture.
overall i think it is shameful that people should have such a great interest in the private sex lives of Women. I am not saying women should trampise around having wild sex but what they do on their own time with selected partners is just a condition of human nature and no one should penalize them for it or make them feel bad about it
AMAZING PIECE Liana jan! I echo every single sentiment here, thank you for being the voice for so many Armenian-American women, making peace with this title!
~ a
Oh God… So many great words… Armenian identity, Armenian culture, religion…But hey…this things have nothing to do with sex before marriage. It’s a nonsense! I Armenian lady born in Yerevan, raised and educated in a traditional Armenian Christian family. I respect my parents, my religion and culture and I am a believer as most of the Armenians, but i am also open minded and….it’s great that at least in Yerevan women live without a fear of having sex before marriage. At least I know lots of them. Oh it’s funny…what a discrimination against women rights, their physiology and open mind…Hayer jan, sex before marriage is not a crime or prostitution and men have to understand and help their ladies not to live in darkness and fear, but…just to live, love and be happy. This is important also for women’s health!!! I am married with a wonderful Armenian, we were always open and are happy with our kids. Thank you Lianna and others, You are great!!!
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